Martin.Lukes
By Martin Lukes
Published: December 7 2006 02:00 | Last updated: December 7 2006 02:00
FROM: Martin.Lukes@a-bglobal.com on 04/12/06
TO: Michelle.Evans@a-bglobal.com
SUBJECT: bonuses for directors
Michelle - Can you book in all my top team for a five-minute slot each this afternoon to discuss bonus? I might need 10 for Thelma.
Also, my carbon-neutral chair has just arrived and it's pretty impressive. Plse phone the supplier and tell them to deliver 50 more. Ta muchly, Martin
FROM: Martin.Lukes@a-bglobal.com on 04/12/06
TO: Alice.Bloom@envirowisdom.co.uk
SUBJECT: bouncy eco chair!!!
Peach - Do you want to come in and have a little bounce on my new EcoStart chair? Am seeing Thelma at 12, so we could road-test it for 20 mins now . . . Green Banana x
FROM: Martin.Lukes@a-bglobal.com on 04/12/06
TO: Faith.Preston@a-bglobal.com
SUBJECT: Thelma Dowd
Faith - Just had a turbo-charged session with Thelma. I told her that she hadn't adopted the can-do, highly pro-active headset I recommended at the last meeting, and suggested a win-win option would be for her to consider pastures new.
She went off the deep end and says she is suing for discrimination, and evidently thinks she can take us to the cleaners. Obviously she doesn't have a leg to stand on, but just thought we should give our lawyers a heads-up . . . Martin
FROM: Martin.Lukes@a-bglobal.com on 04/12/06
TO: Faith.Preston@a-bglobal.com
SUBJECT: Thelma 2
What??? You can tell legal from me that all my top team are girls or foreigners or both, so I don't know what they mean by saying she might win her case . . .
FROM: Martin.Lukes@a-bglobal.com on 04/12/06
TO: Alice.Bloom@envirowisdom.co.uk
SUBJECT: snag
Peach - just curious: what were you laughing about with Dexter just now? I've never considered humour to be one of his stronger suits . . . and here's something that isn't funny - it seems I can't fire Thelma, on account of her being a) female and b) old. Unbelievable. Which will mean it'll take me longer to on-board you. Trust me, though, I'll think of something. GB
FROM: Martin.Lukes@a-bglobal.com on 04/12/06
TO: Michelle.Evans@a-bglobal.com
SUBJECT: explanatory message re bonuses
I've got my whole team on my back whingeing about their bloody bonuses. Talk about ungrateful. Plse send out the following e-mail - appropriately personalised - to all moaners. Should shut them up.
Dear (insert name)
Thanks for sharing with me some of your issues around your bonus. I thought it might be helpful if I went through some of the background on how the number was arrived at.
In previous years there was a certain lack of alignment and clarity that went into this process. As I explained to you earlier today, we have now come up with a unique matrix that aligns individual performance on 48 competencies with the actual bonuses received by individuals. This means that the process is transparent and uniquely motivational. The only way of growing the bonus going forward is to lift performance on to the next level!
I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you for your stick-to-itiveness and your unstinting contribution to making a-b glöbâl UK the jewel in our global crown. Should you wish to brainbang on any performance issue, my door is always open.
All my very bestest, Martin
FROM: Martin.Lukes@a-bglobal.com on 04/12/06
TO: Michelle.Evans@a-bglobal.com
SUBJECT: on second thoughts . . .
. . . can you take out the bit about my door? I can't face dialoguing with any of them again today. See you tomorrow. I'm off to watch the cricket . . .
FROM: Martin.Lukes@a-bglobal.com on 05/12/06
TO: Michelle.Evans@a-bglobal.com
SUBJECT: sorry if I shouted just then . . .
. . . but I've been up all night watching the fiasco that is England. Large latte would help . . .
BLACK TUESDAY - 5 DECEMBER
As those of you who have worked closely with myself down the years will confirm, I am pretty much a serial optimist. It's not often that I really see red. But when I encounter a missed opportunity like that notched up by the England squad in Adelaide this morning I feel extreme anger.
I know that today many of you will be sharing this rage. I want us all to harness this emotion and learn from it. At 11am today I am calling a two-minute silence.
During those two minutes I want you to feel your rage, and slowly let it go. We are like the England team at close of play on Monday. Under our new team we are now 551 runs for 6 declared. We are not going to throw it away.
Martin, Chief Great Leader
FROM: Martin.Lukes@a-bglobal.com on 05/12/06
TO: Thelma.Dowd@a-bglobal.com
SUBJECT: follow-up on our meeting yesterday
Thelma - could you pop up and see me? I think you may have got the wrong end of the stick in our meeting yesterday, and I'd like to clarify a couple of issues.
Bestest, Martin
FROM: Martin.Lukes@a-bglobal.com on 05/12/06
TO: Meena.Roy@a-bglobal.com
SUBJECT: chairs
Yes, £11,500 is the figure on chairs. They'll pay for themselves in time as they self-recycle in situ! Worry not though, we've got a great deal on disposing of the old ones. M
Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2006
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